Teenager in the house

This week marks a big shift in my home - as of Tuesday, I will officially have three teenagers in my house. I still have one more coming up but by the time he makes it,  my oldest will be twenty, so three is the maximum I will have (and that should be plenty!).

I am at a loss... the norm of society says teenagers are a headache and that the only thing to be happy about is that it means your children will be out of the house soon and you will be free. These are lies! My kids are amazing and, while there are certain challenges that come with hormones and attempts at independence, I am loving this stage! I am here to encourage you - you don't need to dread the teenage years! If you have done all of the ground work in the elementary years, the teen years will be a breeze! That is also a lie. 

Nothing about raising children is a breeze but it also does not need to be dreaded. You may find that the teen years may be your favorite yet. You are now able to hold deep and intelligent conversations with your children. Their attention span is longer so you can take them to more mature events - like plays and concerts. You can play more complicated games with them - think Catan instead of Shoots and Ladders. You can go on a trip to the beach without being the pack-mule, snack monkey, or lifeguard. A world of opportunity is opening up in front of you and is can be wonderful!

I have found that their relationship building is at a critical stage here. Learning to respect them as an individual with a brain while still being aware that that brain is not  fully developed can be tricky. We are parents, but parents to people not just children. There is also a balance to keeping strong the ties of family while simultaneously letting them discover the world outside the family.

Let me share with you some things I have learned:

• Know when to force something and when to let it go.

This can be a hard one but consider if your action will create resentment or reinforce security. Consider also if the thing you are forcing or not is for their safety or wellbeing.

The last thing to consider is the physical situation and mental temperament of the teen.

For example, at least once a month we try to have a game time as a family. If my daughter says she doesn't want to but has no good reason I will force her to participate and she usually ends up laughing just as hard as the rest of us. If she doesn't want to because she is physically feeling unwell (for female reasons) I will not force her - no one would have fun and it would not serve to build up our family. If she would like to invite a friend to join us I will allow it - even though it is not strictly family, we are enjoying each others company and I would rather she bring her friends here than she leave to be with them, and I am grateful she likes bringing her friend around.

• Give as much attention as required. Let them be the guild.

With this one, I started to write 'Give as much affection as required' but realized that ALL affection is required - it is how you show it that is guided by your teen. One of my children is a huge fan of hugs and other physical demonstrations of affection. He communicates his love so much through touch it is overwhelming for me at times. I have been teaching him to respect others personal space, and ask before hugging (I even tell him no sometimes so he can learn to respect that) but I also realize that this form of attention only lasts a few short years and in the process established his sense of belonging and value. He knows he is loved. 

Another child does not like hugging at all (except when they are extremely low) but builds that relationship and sense of value through conversation and one-on-one time together. Even if that means late nights followed by early mornings, I make time to spend with this child in conversations and just-us time.

• "Because I said so"  isn't all it takes anymore.  Respect their intelligence and give them reasons.

This phrase is one I support fully for little children who don't want to listen. Young children - if they are too young to understand the reasons, or have been given reasons they can understand and only want to have their way - need to be taught about authority and respecting it (we all, after all, are under authority that we must respect). Teenagers have, hopefully, learned those lessons in their younger years and need to know why there are rules about things. My oldest drives, and is a very good driver, but I won't allow her out driving after 9:30pm. She must be off the road by that time. She is old enough to understand that most drunk driving accidents occur between the hours of 10pm and 4am and, although she doesn't drink,  it isn't safe to be on the road with those who do. I have told her this, she understands, and complies. If I had only said  "because I said so" she would have though I was being unfair.

• Don't try to be friends. Be parents and friendship will come.

Something someone wise once said  has stuck with me for years  - "they have plenty of friends, what they need is a mom". Children have not fully developed. Even when their body if full grown, their brain is still maturing and developing. Their prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for making decisions and exercising self control) is not done developing until they have reached twenty-two or twenty-three years old (later for boys). Teens need the guidance of  parents to make wise choices, not the support of friends to make dumb ones. Helping our children to use wisdom will benefit them their whole lives and they will appreciate it far more than momentary allowances for fun that will hurt them. On top of that, teenagers are still at a place where boundaries equal security. They associate a parent that gives them reasonable rules with one who cares about them and wants to keep them safe. knowing they are loved is crucial - a friend who allows then to do something stupid can not care as much for them as a parent who will not let them.

• Last but not least, Let them grow up.

This one is so hard and I am still struggling with it myself. At the right times they need to be allowed to make their own choices and deal with the results themselves. Train them to make good choices and then give them the chance to make those choices themselves.

We have a big family and I make dinner every day for them. I do not make separate meals for those who have different tastes and there is no room for pickiness. I try to avoid dishes I know my children don't like but with six separate pallets sometimes someone is made unhappy. When my children turn fifteen they are given the privilege of choosing to eat what I have made or make their own dinner but there are stipulations:

• You must have both a veggie and a protein
• You must make it yourself - I am still cooking the family meal
• We eat at a certain time and your food must be ready at that time
• You must use what we have available - no asking for me to buy special ingredients.

I am giving them the freedom and responsibility to make some decisions within boundaries. As they get older still, I give them more freedom with less boundaries - they can choose if they want to come to a family event, they can make decisions about where they work, they can borrow the car and go out to see friends,  etc.  By the time my oldest graduates high school, I will be serving as her mother in mostly an advisory capacity - because I have been her parent and given her boundaries, been available to show her affection how and when she needed it, and trusted her to make wise choices, she asks my advice and usually listens.

Teenagers in the house is a whole new ball game - but it is a good game and you should enjoy every minute of it!