It Takes All Kinds - 4 Ideas To Make Working Together Easier

While in conversation with one of my children I found myself explaining why both my way of doing things and their dad’s way of doing things was important. Said child had discovered their own likeness to the paternal figure and was shocked. It wasn’t a negative realization, just, apparently, a surprising one (not to me of course - I have been aware of the similarities for years - but to the child it was hard hitting news!). 

My husband is exceptionally practical. His goal is, and has always been, the physical wellbeing of our children and myself. Money should be spent on food, rent, utilities and gas for the car. He must (and does) work hard so we will have the money to spend on such necessities. If taking a sick day or vacation causes a loss in our income it is not worth it - our children must have shoes. All of these provisions are, indeed, vitally important.

I am more driven by the emotional/mental health aspect. I want to raise well adjusted children who know they are loved and valuable, who are confident and capable, well rounded in knowledge and experience, and are exposed to beauty and art. The kinds of things that produce these traits can, at times, cost money but I consider it money well spent. Family time and the strengthening of blood-ties is essential. I am willing to be broke for a time to ensure a healthy inner-self for my family because emotional and mental health is also vitally important.

We are very different people with very different perspectives - and we are both right. If our children knew they were loved but had nothing to eat and no heat in the winter, their quality of life would be pathetically miserable. If they had all of the physical comforts and no concern over hunger but were neglected and uncared for, their quality of life would still be miserably pathetic. Both aspects of care are needed for a well developed person. The trick is working out a balance, and having an appreciation for someone else's perspective. We must also be able to say, “your way is better than mine right now”. This is a very hard but very helpful thing to do. None of us, by nature, like giving another the preference. None of us, by nature, like saying we are wrong and someone else has the right answer. But, like it or not, our own way is not always the right way. Let’s look at a couple of ways that we can be more effective at working together to achieve the best results;

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  Take a moment to look at things from the other person's point of view. 

Does their thought process make sense? Are they seeing things you are not? Are you accounting for all of the same repercussions they might be considering? What is the goal behind their perspective and is it a good goal? Trying to see something through another's eyes often helps us understand things in a new way and can help us treat the other, and their ideas, with respect.

• Consider what values are motivating the differences of opinion.

My husband values physical security and provision. This is a good thing! He wants our children to have what they need because he loves them. He is not a villain because he doesn’t want to spend a large sum on a weekend trip - he is merely trying to provide something he thinks is important. If i can demonstrate that what he is valuing will not be compromised (i,e, I have saved up money in a separate account so we can afford the trip without missing a bill payment) then I am not disregarding what he finds important and we have worked together to achieve something!

• Be flexible. 

Regardless of what the disagreement is about, both parties involved are people. People require respect and like to be given the “dignity of self” - the recognition that they are intelligent human beings, capable of making wise decisions for themselves and for  contributing to the whole. When we insist on always having our way we are saying that we are the only ones who can make the right choice. We are invalidating the other party telling them to serve us. We must take our turn serving, following, and respecting the other if we want teamwork to happen.

• Children are still learning to be people, while at the same time being people.

Children need direction and guidance in all aspects of life. We can expect them to behave with each other in the same way they will need to behave as grownups. They do, however, need to see teamwork modeled for them and part of that modeling is the interactions we have directly with them. If there is a disagreement between child and parent, the parent can model good teamwork by applying most of the same principles as they would with an adult, but with a little modification. We show them respect by hearing their ideas and asking why they think it is important. We require respect from them by not accepting rude or demanding behavior (like a tantrum - do not give them their way when they ask like this). We can be flexible by allowing things that will do no harm and are appropriate to the situation (i.e. play on the playground with them when asked). Be aware of what is motivating their perspective and work with that need or value directly (if a child asks to sleep in your bed are they trying to control you and stay up longer or are they in need of comfort or additional affection? Your answer to their request should be based on their motivation for asking).

I hope these four ideas help you deal with disagreements, and solve problems a little better. Let me know if you have any ideas to add!